Something of a book review: Burnout—The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle

The book is by Dr. Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA. I heard of Dr. Nagoski through her first book, Come As You Are, which turned out to be my favorite book about sex. She is an excellent writer whose warmth and care come through the page. Her twin sister and co-writer for this Burnout book seems to be the same.

I picked up the book partially because I wanted more from Dr. Nagoski and partially because I believe myself to be burned out. I started really feeling the burnout about a year ago after a year of my partner not having an income, me working full time for the first time while also going to grad school full time, and parenting three kids with unique needs. It was also following a year of great stress in our marriage. The stress didn’t stop a year ago either. The acute financial stress continued until a month ago, and unique parenting stresses got worse and are ongoing. The stress of living in the US in 2025 is overwhelming for anyone who is informed and who is a vulnerable person or cares for vulnerable people. In other words, my burnout is ongoing. This book has given me some things that reframe in practical ways concepts that give me a chance to find healing.

I am not going to give a full review of the book, thus the title, but I do want to share some meaningful things I found.

I love how the authors write about body image. They call it the Bikini Industrial Complex, or BIC for short. Instead of seeing our bodies as the problem because they don’t fit what advertising companies and media-driven ideals want us to think are good and normal, they present those concepts themselves as the problem. BIC is the enemy, not our bodies. The health of people of size is more threatened by the bias against them than by the size of their bodies. Using the arbitrary BMI measurements is unhelpful since we all genetically rest at a different size. One surprising fact I learned through the book is that it is far healthier to be well over the BMI weight given as optimal than to be just a little bit under that BMI. I’ll say it again. It is safer to be overweight than it is to be underweight. But who would know that based on the advertisements you see and the shows you watch? Who would know that going to the doctor?

I had an infuriating experience with this recently. I decided I wanted to address my gut health by taking probiotics. I found a brand online that seemed good. The site gave me a quiz to determine which formula was right for me. Based on their own metrics, my weight was exactly what it was supposed to be. The conclusion of the quiz said, “Based on our findings, it looks like you may like to lose some weight.” I couldn’t even believe it! They were trying to sell me a product with the assumption that being the “correct” weight for my age and height meant that I would most likely prefer to be under that weight. It’s a perfect illustration of BIC.

The authors’ way of combatting this phenomenon is to embrace the mess of our world as it is and our feelings about it rather than seeking easy solutions, see yourself as you are as “the new hotness” (and view others in the same way—don’t give in to the messaging that says a certain body type is more beautiful than another), and tune into your body’s needs.

Human Giver Syndrome is another helpful concept the book introduces. This is a concept that women are socialized to believe that they must give the whole of themselves to support others, no matter the cost. This plays out in every part of our lives as women. Without even realizing it, we believe that we must give whatever is asked of us. Many of us preempt even the asking and live our lives controlling our environments in order to meet needs before they are even revealed. The authors’ solution for growing out of this ruling concept is self-compassion and gratitude. These things help us to tell the difference between who we are and who those around us expect us to be. We can do this without self-flagellation or hiding away from the world. It is a difficult process because of what society expects of us and what is deeply internalized, but necessary if we want to be authentic, healthy people.

One word about gratitude. As the authors joke, it would not be a self-help book for women without mentioning the importance of gratitude. They explain that gratitude has often been used to silence women’s struggles and shame them for their suffering. Gratitude cannot be used as a means of ignoring problems. Gratitude that works as a means of helping us through the process of our inevitable struggles is not gratitude for what we have. It is rather gratitude for who we have and for how things happen.

There are many more helpful concepts and explanations in the book, but these are some of my favorites and ones I’ll be thinking about and implementing for a while.